Many things can be true at the same time even if they're conflicting
My practice since last October’s doozy of an eclipse season has been to stay present for the full spectrum of life,
without judgement.
As a mental observer, but also as a feeler, one with an open heart.
I practice being fully available to the disappointment, grief, and sadness, as well as, the wonder and awe that’s present in any given moment at the same time.
This is not so easy, hence the term practice.
No one ever taught this in school or parenting books. And the reality is, why would they? It’s f*cking hard and most people don’t have any interest in maintaining this state of being, even though this is what it means to be truly human.
I come from a long line of fixers. If something isn’t up to standards, going wrong, then, by God, get in there and make it right!
The ultimate litmus test for ‘wrong’ in my mind has always been, is someone suffering? If so, I was duty bound to fix that. In whatever way I could possibly offer.
Usually I went to heroic efforts to save people from their suffering, including taking full responsibility for their outcomes. Their failings were my failings. Their sadness was my sadness. I lived and breathed it, all in a very dysfunctional way that had disastrous affects on my own well-being over the years.
I told myself, it’s ok, things will get better if only I just do this one more thing to help them. Never accepting that things were the way they were on purpose. Not realizing it wasn’t my job to change them.
The big life lesson was that, ultimately, my ‘job’ was to accept them as they are.
Life has given me soooooo many ways to live out this dynamic, all the while asking me,
‘Are you done yet? Have you had enough?’.
…
As I sit with the great dissolver, Neptune, transiting on top of the great fixer, Saturn, in my natal chart, I’m getting yet another lesson in letting go.
My sweet and very beloved dog, Jovi, has decided he doesn’t want to eat.
I’ve taken him to the vet three times in the last month. They took blood, ran tests and examined him from top to bottom with not a thing found to be wrong with him. Except that he doesn’t want to eat.
I’ve tried tempting him with every food a dog usually loves.
I spoke with a psychic animal communicator who read him like a book. Everything she said about who he is and his personality was spot on. And, she said he was reexamining his relationship with food. She said he agrees to continue eating but only on his terms. So very bizarre, because at this point, he’s barely eating enough to sustain his life.
He’s so thin it’s painful to look at him.
I lay in bed at night thinking of things to try feeding him, hoping that maybe ‘this’ will be the thing he’ll eat enough of to gain weight and strength back. And then, the next morning, it doesn’t work. Or he’ll swallow one bite and walk away.
My fixer wants him to eat!
My fixer wants him to stay here with me for many more years! I love him SO. VERY. MUCH. He’s only five years old. We still have many more years to play together. Or so I thought…
And then I hear Spirit in my ear asking,
‘Are you done yet? Have you had enough?’.
…
Will he live? I don’t know.
But I will sit here and feel it all with my open heart…the grief, fear and disappointment.
Tears blur my eyes as I write this.
I will sit with the knowing that it’s not up to me. I have no control over whether he chooses to stay or not.
And isn’t that just life?
As I sit now on my front porch, I also feel a rare in July cool breeze blow across my face and smell the beautiful fragrance of the flowers I worked hard to plant this Spring.
I sink into this moment where everything exists at once.
I will hold all the things, the full spectrum of life, in my heart at the same time.
And I will make none of it wrong.