Letting pleasure in

at my son's wedding

I attended my oldest son’s wedding this weekend. 

I made a decision before we even got on the plane that I would be fully present in each moment. I wanted to immerse myself in the experience without any preconceived notions about how it was supposed to be or how I was supposed to show up. I also made a decision that I wouldn’t view this event through the eyes of a camera. You can’t be fully present when you’re constantly framing moments.

Because of these decisions, I had the time of my life. I haven’t smiled so much, I haven’t laughed so much, I haven’t felt so much joy and gratitude in a very long time. Yes, it was a party weekend. Yes, it was a joyous occasion. And, I’ve had many of those occasions before where I haven’t felt so free and blessed.

The biggest difference to how I showed up this time was that I was focusing on my own pleasure. I allowed myself to not get involved in other people’s experience. I didn’t fret about if others were having a good time. I didn’t think about if I should be a certain way, the way a mother of the groom ‘should’ be. I didn’t try to orchestrate the event. I let it unfold before me.

I didn’t worry about if I looked appropriate or if I was pleasing to the eye for other’s view. I wore a simple black dress from Anthropologie that I bought years ago. I wore shoes that are not really ‘in style’ but made me happy and were easy to dance in. 

I let myself off the hook about giving a toast when I realized I wasn’t able to be fully present while the time was drawing near to stand up and speak. I was too in my head about what I would say instead of enjoying the beautiful meal I was eating, so I opted out. I was a little worried my son would be disappointed, but in the end he said it was for the best and that he’d rather I wrote the words in a card for him to keep.

I focused on the love I felt for my son and family. I focused on being so happy about the new daughter I was gaining. I focused on how cool the people were that gathered together to celebrate. And then, I danced my ass off for hours with the bridesmaids and groomsmen. I had so much fun!

I don’t have many pictures to share, only the few my husband took. I’m totally ok with that. I’ve noticed I rarely go back to look at old pictures anyway. 

What I do have is a feeling of joy that bubbles up every time I think of this weekend. Remembering felt joy is better than any picture.